I have a friend who was dating a guy. The unspoken terms of the relationship where that is it was casual and there was no commitment. My friend, lets call her Samantha, struggles with her self image as most women do. She is beautiful. A real looker. Like all women who become sexually intertwined her heart went into this relationship. And she was hurt when the relationship suddenly ended. This fellow still reached out from time to time when he came back into town and Samantha was torn between the closeness and intimacy of being with this man on those terms and the emptiness she knew would follow.
What a horrible feeling to be approaching and or passing through maturity as a woman and have the thing that you have most used to define yourself and draw your self teem from, your body, begin to degrade as it does with all people in age. To stake your worth on a diminishing asset. And have an endless parade of 20 or 30 something women coming behind you who are younger and dumber and following the same broken path you did. To know that men of this type will invariably not buy the cow when they can get the milk for free... and that there is an endless supply of dumb cows.
So after nearly a two year break from this fellow, and some self realization in Samantha that she doesn't want to stake here worth solely on the sex she can provide she decides she is going to abstain from sex until she gets married. A healthy decision by any rational account. Yes I am judging.
This man re approaches her and they go out on another date and he makes it clear he wants to sleep with her. And she makes it clear her position has changed. They discuss and appreciate each others different view points and go there separate ways. So far so good.
In my conversations with Samantha about this guy it continues to come out that he is a, "nice guy." A good guy. That he would be a good person to have a friendship with. There is a complete abdication on her part of her responsibility to call what they had what is was. A f*** buddy arrangement. She justifies his not calling back by saying he has a lot of other friends. And ignores that he will not call her "friend" unless they continue their relationship solely based on her choice to debase herself and devalue herself. I don't know if that stems from an inability on her part to extend grace to herself for her former lack of wisdom or her inability to call him what he was and is. And what he will continue to do to other women.
Can you truly experience and appreciate light if your are not willing to call dark dark? The answer as always is in ourselves. God loves us for who we are. He made us and there is nothing we can do or say or think that surprises him. Can we become and have what we are meant to become and have until we fully accept our own brokenness and extend grace to ourselves? Is it necessary to take a stand and call bad bad in order to be able to accept and appreciate good?
Finding a good foundation to build on is of the utmost importance. So is taking a stand on that foundation.
Wow... that hurts and is so true.
ReplyDeletePerhaps if you think about love as both an action and a feeling this might prove a secular counterpart. Sex activity is not necessarily related to love, but in the Christian tradition it should be.
ReplyDeleteHowever, they can be confused. Can't remember where I read it, but a female character in a book says to her boyfriend, "do you love me?" To which he answers, "of course I love you, I f*** you don't I?"
There are pitfalls on the secular side as well as on the Christian side. Outside of marriage and inside.
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ReplyDeleteI've heard this advice from my mom. This guy is obviously not a good guy and if she thinks he is, then she is LYING to herself. A good guy does not demand sex in exchange for friendship.
ReplyDeleteOP is correct. And she is lying to herself. She doesn't have to and shouldn't hate "the fellow" but if she doesn't hate his actions and forgive herself she will never appreciate the good guys. Let me guess... Abusive and or neglectful father and or abused or critical mother. It is sad how this gets passed on and then impacts others. And so predictiable. Prayers.
ReplyDeleteAnd we wonder why guys think we are so dumb. At least she stopped sleeping with him.
ReplyDeleteI am amazed.... Second day up.... I think we hit a nerve. 4 emails sent directly to me as well. This is obviously something people are interested in. God Bless.
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I was her. I feel for this women. I have hope for her too. She has already taken a huge first step. But from my experience she has a way to go. Once you close your legs you have to close your mouth. Or open it only in kindness and respect. And that is going to be hard. My guess is she is not nice to the guys she dates. Who wouldn't want to be around a nice person. Still a victim and not in victory. I pray she see herself the way God does. And that she has grace for the next man she loves. Christian men are not perfect. I have some hard words for her. Submission, purity, and respect. Our church did a great message on this. She can be in control or be happy. Not both. And mean is still a form of control. My guess is she is not very happy. You can pick the message up at minute 33. He did a long intro. http://www.newspring.cc/series/man-vs-wife/four-things-every-woman-needs-to-focus-on/
ReplyDeleteI wish your friend well with her decision for not having sex until she is married again. When we let someone else compromise our moral and beliefs we are allowing ourselves to be controlled. An intimate relationship is not just an hour of physical contact. It is a joining of heart and soul. When we compromise our morals for someone else, we may not at the beginning feel like we are being used but in the end we are.
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